A Final Goodbye
by Tashima
Summary: (A Song-fic) The story of the strength of young Tashima as she fights the tears that surface as she loses the love of her life, Ryuuen. (*Note: 1. Ryuuen=Nuriko, Nuriko is his sieshi name, Ryuuen-his real name 2. This isn't a self insertion fic! spoilers!


"Mou modorenai yo Donna ni natsukashiku omotte mo"  
  
("I can't go back no matter how much I miss it.")  
  
The morning was quiet and peaceful. The sun had not yet fully risen and the gold and pink shades of a new day spilled over the heavens. The lake reflected the sky but the colors were darkened, the magic magnified. The soft wind rustled through Tashima's dark hair that fell in tumbles of dark curls over her shoulders, free from the ties and ribbons that usually held it up. She lifted her chocolate eyes to the sky, the morning colors blurring. Shaking her head, she squeezed her eyes shut, forcing back the tears. I won't let my pain control me any more.  
  
Sighing, she gathered her skirts and lowered herself to the ground, the cool grass soothing her. Leaning back on her palms, her eyes skirted the water and the greenery beyond it. The towering trees also comforted her. Tashima's gaze continued to wander the scenery when a willow caught her attention. She stared at it for moments at a time. Memory's flooded her mind. Each one more painful than the next.  
  
Tashima sat astraddle on a large branch, Ryuuen behind her. She was leaning against him and he on the tree. His arms were wrapped around her; her head had fallen back onto his shoulder. He whispered loving words into her ear...  
  
"I have to stop this! He's dead!" Tashima reprimanded herself. The frustration built inside her because she wanted to think she was lying to herself. "There is no way we can be together!" she shouted. Her voice echoed in the distance, the silence momentarily broken. She brought a hand to her face, settling it on her cheek cooled by the wind. "He's dead." She whispered between sobs.  
  
"Ano koro tashika ni tanoshikatta kedo sore ha ima ja nai"  
  
("That time was definitely fun, but that was then and this is now.")  
  
"Hey Ta-chan, open your mouth, I want to see if I can make it!" Ryuuen exclaimed. Lifting her eyes, she watched her love, eyes glimmering and hand raised with a small fruit in his hand. "C'mon! Open up!"  
  
She grinned and obeyed. Not two seconds later the fruit came flying at her, hitting her cheek. They both collapsed into laughter. He crawled on top of the blanket he set out for them to sit upon while enjoying a picnic. Sitting beside her he pulled her into his arms, and she came willingly. Leaning against him, they watched the sunset go down, arms still wrapped around her. She closed her eyes and her head fell back against her love. She sighed in content and felt Ryuuen brushing his lips across her forehead.  
  
Tashima turned her head toward his. He smiled down at her-  
  
A knock sounded at the door, pulling Tashima from her thoughts. She took a deep breath to calm her labored breathing; results from unwanted yet needed memories, and stood from her chair. When she felt presentable, she called to the guest. A timid hand pressed against the door, the opening beginning to grow wider. A servant walked in, a tray in hand. Seeing whom her visitor was she sat once again. Quietly, her servant walked towards Tashima and with a nod of greeting yet keeping her head low, she placed the tray atop the desk and turned.  
  
Tashima stared blankly at the food that was brought to her. Feeling as if she could never eat again she cringed at the food but knowing it was best she reluctantly lifted her chopsticks.  
  
Later, Tashima sat stiffly in the palace gardens. She moved little, with only a polite nod at the passer-by. Her heart felt hallow. I have nobody. She thought. Again. Even though the weather was warm, the kimono even warmer, she wrapped her arms around her middle, as if fighting off a chill. But there was a chill she battled. The thought of never being held in his arms again, of never feeling his lips against hers, never hearing his voice whisper wo ai ni in her ears.  
  
She choked back tears, lowering her head into her palms. Sobs wracked her body as she sat, feeling alone and defenseless. She continued to cry for another moment or two. Finally regaining her composure, she dashed at the tears with the heel of her hands. Taking a deep breath, she lifted her head.  
  
Stop it! This is pointless! Crying won't make him come back! No matter how much you wish!  
  
Although she hated it, she knew the pain would be dulled by time but never healed. She knew she would still be haunted by his kisses and the warmth of his embrace.  
  
"Forget that, Ta-chan. It won't do you any good anyway." She mumbled to herself, anger and hurt incredibly evident in her choking voice.  
  
"Kimi ha doko ni iru no kimi ha doko he itta no ka"  
  
("Where are you? Where have you gone?")  
  
Sitting on her bed, Tashima rested her forehead on her drawn-up knees. She changed out of her kimono and into her sleepwear. The light liliac pants and tank wrinkled as she drew her knees closer her arms tightening around them. She hummed a sweet song that Ryuuen would sing to her; sometimes her voice joined in. Fatigue rolled over her like a sweet release and she unfolded herself to lay down but the moment her head touched the pillow, she was wide awake. She sighed and lifted herself from the sheet.   
  
"I'll go outside." She told herself. The sounds and scents of the moonlit scenery always seemed a soothing balm to her nerves. She walked outside, the night chill wrapping around her like a cloak. Rubbing her hands up and down her arms, Tashima leaned against the wooden rail. Her gaze swept the dark sky, the stars winking at her from an ocean of ink. The moon filtered through the trees, its pail light etching intricate patterns on the walk.  
  
Lifting herself with awkward grace on the fence she swung her legs up and crossed them at the ankles and leaned against the wooden post closing her eyes. She breathed in deeply feeling instantly soothed and relaxed. Tashima's mind wandered to Ryuuen once again, frequent and familiar thoughts.  
  
She missed him. Everything about him, his sweet laughter, his enthusiasm that seemed to affect everyone whom he was with. His scent, his touch, him. Nobody remembered quite as vividly as she did. Her eyes opened and grazed the stars once again and wondered where he could be. To her, the only place to be was with Ryuuen. In his arms or holding his hand. With him and only him. But now that was impossible. The reality hit her, often, but the pain never ceasing in the least.  
  
"Naite mo hoshigaru kodomo no you ni ha narenakute seiippai, no sayonara."  
  
("Like a child crying for something, with all my strength,  
  
Goodbye.")  
She awoke with a crick in her neck and the sheet twisted around her. Her skin was slick with perspiration, a result of dreams, sweet in torture. Tashima untangled herself from the binds and lifted herself to a sitting position. Thoughts ran through her head, Ryuuen and life. The two words no longer relative. A sigh escaped her lips and she sucked in a sharp breath, forcing back the sobs. But as quickly as her sobs, anger flooded over her.  
  
Tashima washed quickly, her destination as clear to her as day.  
  
She had successfully avoided the guards and made her way toward the lake. Her heart was heavy but she knew this was for the best. Winding through the trees she came upon the willow, their willow. It was their hideaway, their place of rest. Gathering her kimono, she climbed to the first branch.  
  
On the tree, there was carving. She saw their pattern they had made to proclaim to those who saw. The carved line twisted and turned but ended abruptly showing an unfinished heart, their names inside.  
  
"See? This means forever. We will be-" Ryuuen began but was interrupted when they heard a familiar voice coming. He had been carving something for them to share but pulled his small knife away when he heard the interruption.  
  
"Hey Nuriko? Nuriko! Where the hell are ya!?" Tasuki, one of the seishi yelled. Tashima looked back from the direction the voice was coming, into Ryuuen's hazel eyes. He sighed.  
  
"Next time we come out here, okay?" He said, referring to the unfinished promise, carved within the willow. She nodded in reply.  
  
But that was the last time she came out there. She never had the nerve after he died.  
  
Fishing a small carving knife out of her small sack she had hanging over her shoulder, she leaned toward the tree. Sheer determination kept her at her task and forced back the tears. With great concentration, she finished the small picture and returned the knife to her pouch. Brushing the stray pieces of bark, she ran her hand over the rough wood. Pushing back wisps of hair tied loose in a knot at the nape of her neck, her cinnamon eyes softened and a small smile crossed her lips. Her heart ached, the pain increasing with the knowledge she now held. Tashima lifted her chin and inhaled deeply.  
  
"Good-bye, Ryuuen." 


End file.
